this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
