I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
