As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
