I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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