First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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