what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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