we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I can't turn off my feet"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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