im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
