she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
