I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
