It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
