Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
