I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
