well I can't set my house on fire every night
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
