I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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