we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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