Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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