You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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