two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
