I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
