Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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