bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
