that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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