A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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