I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
