Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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