did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
