I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
