Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
