I want to walk on stilts...naked
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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