that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
