So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
