My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
