I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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