During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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