I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
