So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize