My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We left an ass print on the piano.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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