I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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