When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She said her name was "party"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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