Where is the hickey?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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