You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
