dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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