Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
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