Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
