I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
