If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
being pregnant is like rehab
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize