I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
