I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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