Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
birth control should be required to get into college
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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