I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
