You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
