There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
