I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
